Messy Life. Missing Life.

I just wanted to scream out loud and run away somewhere. It was as if everyone and everything around me wanted to blow a fuse and I wanted to eat them alive. Though a dear friend, a colleague of mine tried to cheer me up in the best of his abilities, I knew I had lost it today..as if there was so much negativity around me.

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Do I have reasons?

Oh yes. Plenty.

My darling mother had refused to consult a doctor the entire week even though she had minor chest pains. How dare I say minor when she couldn’t even walk two steps or lie down in bed! I was screaming at the top of my lungs all these days, because that’s the only thing I can do being thousands of miles away from her. She was waiting for me to be home next month to visit a doctor. God! And finally when she somehow did because of my warnings and threatening (yes, I had lost my patience!), the doctor informed that she was on the verge of a heart failure and advised complete rest for a month.

I had woken up at least a dozen times last night with haunting nightmares. I haven’t spoken about it to anyone till now. Not even my husband because he is taking his exams and I do not want anyone to worry. But I just can’t take it anymore. Alone.

Work? That was equally horrifying. With a manager who doesn’t even know how to spell a word correctly, sends out pretty long emails trying to escalate even the tiniest of lapses. Oh, it’s the season of hikes and appraisals and all he does is scrutinize anything and everything.

Friends? They have finally moved on. When from the bottom of my heart I’m happy, I’m equally angry with myself. When will I learn to truly let go? When will I learn to stop making the same mistakes over and over again? When will I stop trusting every Tom, Dick and Harry and find excuses to consider them saints and me as the sole culprit?

Heartbreak? I have made some terrible choices. Terrible mistakes. But I did have somebody whom I thought of as a friend or something more than that. If you ask me now, it wasn’t ‘love’…, the way teens tag it, it was more of a strong emotional connection. Something which I still can’t explain. So, now when you know it was all a lie, how do you soothe the writhing pain in your heart? When you have been treated like garbage, how do you believe in another soul? How do you let another one in again?

My roommate had a huge crush on this guy. She was head over heels in love and to an extend the guy reciprocated his feelings as well. Being a roommate, I am the witness, you see. Now when she finally had the guts to open her heart to him, he said they were just friends. Oh boy, why don’t people be genuine?

When one day you say you love someone, chat till wee hours in the morning, and you thank the ones who created Whatsapp and even the Internet with all your might and soul, the in two months time he acts as if there was nothing at all!! How can someone be so naive to say ‘I never loved you’ after those sweet talks and stolen kisses? When you began the relationship with the word love and end it with ‘I don’t have any idea what you are talking about’!

Spineless. Makes me puke.

I wish I could find solace in alcohol. I truly wish I could drink and dance and be merry. I somehow do not have the nerves to do the same.

I sometimes wish I could hope for terrible things to happen to the ones who hurt me. The meanest of the things. Like …like a heartbreak just like I suffered or somebody treating the same way I was treated. But then, I am unable to. I still have them in my prayers. Honestly, that makes me angry.

I miss my life. You know the one when I was a carefree spirit, that even when my heart was punctured and ruptured I easily got up as if it didn’t affect me any much. My smile never faded. But now people ask me why I’m in so much pain! I’m not exaggerating even a bit. I never knew that my smile had turned into a frown. It’s bad. I know it is bad.

Today a friend of mine said something which made me contemplate. He said mine is the most depressing Facebook ever. What he meant was about the statuses which I posted saying I had celebrated Diwali alone. But this made me think and I went through the updates I shared the past one year.

Gosh, one year! Depressing is just a word. It’s more or less sickening. As always, my first instinct was to deactivate my FB for sometime. People say it helps you. May be, I will. For now, I am just ranting and cribbing and letting the frustrations out.

Who knows, may be soon, I will just go- Leave things behind- the blogs, social media and all this sort of baloney!

For now, I feel empty.

As if there is nothing to look forward to.

As if I’m just done!

Comments

  1. Life is Messy !
    As some one said.
    “Life is Messy That’s How we are made.
    So,you can waste your Lives drawing lines.
    Or you can Live your life crossing them..”
    Keep Smiling 🙂

    Like

  2. Sometimes, everything seems to be our enemy and us the sole target. Circumstances is a heavy word, whether good or bad we end up at either ends of happy and sad scale. To others our problem might appear very meagre, but to us that’s the worst problem in the world. But my dear friend an easy Life wasn’t promised to us, ups and downs that’s what life is. We won’t be able to appreciate the daylight without the eerie sad night. It’s nature’s rule, day follows night and vice versa. Believe in yourself, no matter what keep your spirit high. Dont lose hope. I hope you have a great day. Keep smiling. 🙂 Take care dear!

    Like

  3. Please don’t think I’m an ass for ‘liking’ this blog – you just resonate everything within me. Even I just went on a rant like this in my last post (you MUST check it out!). I’m feeling so drained and exhausted and depressed and frigging lonely. I just don’t know to survive in this fake filmsy world Shalu. Only suggestion people give me is , “Hang out with friends”. I’d have to have FRIENDS for that. Everyone I met is a fake lying backstabber. But everyone has faults, people adjust and move on. I just couldn’t do that and have ended up alone. I just cant. I really hope you were here in Chennai girl 😦

    Like

  4. shanayatales says:

    Life is messy, Shalini. It is not just you. Most of us are in a royal mess, but that does not mean that there is no redemption or hope. Ride this storm, there is will sunshine soon. Take care, dearie. 🙂

    Like

  5. Its always darkest before dawn!
    Hang on!

    Like

  6. I think, this is a passing phase, but this stage staying for a long time making you lose your patience. Things will change for better and I hope, you will be back to your normal smiling face within a few days and then when you see this old post, you will smile 🙂

    Like

  7. I can reciprocate with almost all your feelings. Guess I’m going through some of them too. Sometimes we might not get the answer for all the shit that’s happening in life. Sometimes we do things that might be completely wrong for us but right for everyone else. But that’s life. Life is a beautiful mess. Just be strong and this too will pass. And your Amma is going to be just fine. Sending healing prayers and wishes to her.

    P.S. If you wanna bitch about life just PM. I’ll rant along with you and we’ll make life more messy :*

    Like

  8. I can reciprocate with almost all your feelings. Guess I’m going through some of them too. Sometimes we might not get the answer for all the shit that’s happening in life. Sometimes we do things that might be completely wrong for us but right for everyone else. But that’s life. Life is a beautiful mess. Just be strong and this too will pass.

    P.S. If you wanna bitch about life just PM. I’ll rant along with you and we’ll make life more messy :*

    Like

  9. so messy, but beautiful! <3!

    Like

  10. You know Shalini, life is messy for all of us! Heartbreaks, wounds that fail to heal, scars which remind us of the unfortunate incidents, failures, meddling bosses, hectic traffic, even the unpleasant weather, everything will be there to steal our peace and happiness. But we want to live happily, right? Count your blessings dear. I am sure that will help in taking the focus away from all things bad that is happening right now. Even in fairy tales there are the not so good parts. Today is one such day that struck you from everywhere I guess. We all have such days. A good cry always helps me. 🙂 We are here to hear you out. Don’t just give up on everything, ok? Do ping if you need another ounce of motivational speech, okay? 🙂

    Like

  11. Hey! Mess happens in life and there are days like that. So, cheer up and ask me bout the unwanted thoughts been plaguing me for more than a year. But, working at it!!! I am always there as a friend. Things may not be rosy at my end and my patience wearing thin. Hoping for better days, though.
    Keep faith and tough times don’t last.

    Like

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